Wedding Planning Part 2: What I Wish I Knew Going In
It’s been almost a year since we got married and while I’ll get to what’s been keeping me away in time, I didn’t want to abandon this so here is the long-overdue Part 2 of my Wedding Planning series…
I’ve found that before starting something new, a good question to ask of mentors, friends, and family who have been there is, “What do you wish you had known?” Did I ask anyone this before planning my wedding? Absolutely not. Do I regret that? Kind of. I don’t think that it would have changed much about the outcome, but I do think that it would have made me more aware of where pitfalls and challenges could arise.
Photos by Kim Craven
Now that my wedding is in my rearview mirror, here are the things I wish that I had known about wedding planning:
The dress: You might not have that “this is it” moment and that’s ok. I had two moments, with two dresses. Did I still think about “the one that got away?” Sometimes. But as fittings went on, my dress became mine and it felt more and more right. And had I ended up with the other, that would have been right too. Bottom line: Get a dress that fits your budget and that you feel comfortable in. In the end, so long as you’re comfortable and can dance in it (if that’s your jam), that’s all that matters.
Fittings: Getting the dress doesn’t end at making the purchase. Fittings can take on a life of their own and be stressful. This was likely more pronounced for me as my dress was made incorrectly and a brilliant family friend was able to work literal magic. Do not let anyone make you feel bad about your body. You are perfect and you do not need to stop eating. Something can be done to make the dress fit.
Flowers: I love flowers, but figuring out colors and what types of flowers I wanted was tough. I went in with nothing in mind. My wedding planner told me to go on instagram and create an album of things that I liked. This simple suggestion was so helpful. At first it was a hodgepodge of things but then I started to look again, notice trends in what I was saving, and find what spoke to me. (It was also helpful to save things I did NOT like. Sometimes it’s much easier to identify what isn’t for you than what is.)
Rentals: Many venues do not have chairs, tableware, napkins, tablecloths, etc. and you will need to rent them. I did not know this — I told you, I really knew nothing. Again, saving things I found online was incredibly helpful. If you can, I also recommend seeing things in person. Is the napkin soft? Is the color really what it looks like online? Does the silverware feel nice in your hand? Is the chair comfortable? These are all things that mattered to me as I wanted my guests to have the best experience possible. In the scheme of things will someone remember having a weird feeling fork at your wedding? Probably not. Still, I’m big on that and so for me it mattered.
Band: Bands get booked FAST. After securing your venue, getting a wedding planner, caterer (if the venue doesn’t provide), band, and photographer should be your next calls. I found that watching clips online was thoroughly unhelpful. Everything pretty much sounded the same and I was skeptical of the editing. Once we had our band, we had a call with someone at the company (we booked through a company that has several bands). If possible, I recommend seeing if you can meet with your specific band leader. We reviewed music preferences, songs for first dances, processional and recessional (walking down the aisle), and overall feel that we wanted. These special requests were honored, the rest, well, let’s just say that I never envisioned “Holy Grail” with the full JT intro or “Smells Like Teen Spirit” being played at my wedding. If I could do anything over, it would be the music. Still, everyone had a great time and in retrospect it’s pretty funny.
Photos: As with the band, photographers get booked up fast! Our wedding planner sent us some suggestions and we looked through their work, to see the type of photos they took, read what others had to say, and then once we had narrowed it down, had video calls to see who we meshed with. You will spend most of the day and night with your photographer. When the day comes, you may be feeling any and every emotion, sometimes all at once so having someone that you feel comfortable with is key.
Dress Code: What do you want your guests to wear? It seems like dress codes have taken on a life of their own these days, there was even a recent NYTimes article about how things have gotten so specific that some couples are creating mood boards for their guests. While you can print something on the invitation, if you have a website, I strongly suggest adding some examples, i.e. suit and tie for men, long dresses or skirts for women, etc. For events like a rehearsal dinner, brunch, etc. you can even share a description (vague if you want) of what you and your partner will be wearing to set the tone. If events will take place on grass or uneven surfaces, it can be very helpful to note this so anyone who might otherwise choose heels can be prepared or make another selection.
Registry + Gifts: I naively thought this would be so easy. We’d go to Bloomingdale’s, zap a bunch of things, and call it a day. Instead, I went to Bloomingdale’s with my mom, zapped a few things (most were on backorder or discontinued), and then cancelled that registry. We used Zola, which was also the site we had used for our wedding website. It was user-friendly, allowed us to add things from multiple places, and they have a pretty good return policy if you need that. You can also designate things as group gifts which is a nice option. Asking for things is tough, especially when you may also be asking folks to travel, or extend themselves in other ways. In the end, some people will get you gifts, no matter what you say, and having a place where they can easily see what you want, is really helpful so that you don’t end up with things that you don’t need or don’t particularly like. Some folks add cash funds for honeymoons, homes, or other big expenses. This can feel a little icky but there are people who want to give cash/checks, and if they don’t want to bring it to the wedding, this is a way for them to give their gift a bit more seamlessly. Plus, for some, this is the most useful gift as they may be between homes, or really not need anything. You can also add donation options!
Be selfish once it starts and stay with your person: As a host, your inclination is to make sure that everyone is having a good time and has what they need BUT it is YOUR day and you will (most likely) never have another. For this day, all of your people are there to celebrate you. Let them. Do what you want. You have just dedicated an inordinate amount of time, energy, and a lot of money to planning something very special. Bask in it. Eat the food you chose. Dance to the songs you love. Ask the photographer to take a photo of you and whoever! Most of all, stick with your now-spouse! One of my best friends told me this and it might be the single best advice I got. Experiencing everything together, in your own bubble, while also surrounded, is like nothing else.
It will go fast: When the party ends, you might feel sad, I certainly did. After months of planning, the day whizzes by and then… that’s it. Revel in it. Enjoy it. Soak in every moment.
Must-have bag: The night before/morning of, put together a bag of everything that you need to have “just in case.” For me, this included extra contacts and solution, safety pins, bobby pins and a hair tie, fashion tape, a pair of flip flops, Tylenol, and tissues. Put your wedding planner or a good friend/family member in charge of this bag. If you need anything, you know who to flag down. My phone and charger were also in the bag but more because I was going to a different place post-wedding than where I got ready. If you are also doing this, also have your overnight/however many nights bag/suitcase packed and stored at the venue. Tell your must-have bag person where this is.
Tables: It’s not that deep. That said, it will cause tension, and maybe tears and some heated words. There is no perfect table. There is no perfect table location. Do your best. Compromise. Let everyone say their peace. Try to see it from others’ perspectives. It will all work out.
Keep everyone in the know: Make sure that your wedding party and any other key players in the day know where to be and when. If something is going on, share. For me, this meant having to let certain folks in on the fact that at the start of my wedding week, my sister had tested positive for Covid. Luckily, she was negative and fine by the big day, but having my best friends know so that they could support me, and be prepared to step in for some of the things she was planning to do, was a big help.
It’s not always fun: Wedding planning is not always fun and some days it’s downright painful. Decision fatigue is real. Arguments are real. People will have big feelings and opinions about things that you never imagined. Make time for fun and breaks and remember the ultimate goal: marrying the person that you love.
What did I leave out? What do you wish you had known going into wedding planning? Let me know in the comments and if you have any questions, pop them in too!