When It's Not Working

One week ago today was my last day at the job I wrote about in this post and this post. To preemptively quell any worries, I wasn't fired. Although I left on my terms, it was still a difficult decision and there were several sleepless nights. 

In other words, stay true to yourself. NYC street art never disapoints.

I spent six weeks trying to make it work. Six weeks of hoping the feeling in my gut was wrong. Six weeks of telling myself, you're just getting used to it. Six weeks of telling other people how much I loved it and how happy I was. I think that by putting on a good face I would eventually convince myself that everything was great. But here's the thing, when something isn't right, it isn't right.

So why was leaving so hard? Fear; fear of what others would think, fear of failure, and fear of the unknown. On paper this job was extremely glamorous, what would it mean to give that up? I had myself convinced that my friends, family, and extended network would think ill of me, seeing me as a failure. I was also afraid that leaving would mean I was a failure, not to mention what would come next? I gave up a lot to take this position, would those things come back? Even writing this now, one week since my last day, I'm worried you're judging me. Are you? I'd like to say that I don't care at all, but the truth is that part of me does, though a much smaller part than would have cared a week ago. 

From Jill Soloway & Xavier Schipani's Gender Neutral at 29Rooms. Applies here too.

Over these past seven days, I've realized that my biggest critique is myself. Shocking right? :) Everyone I've told has been nothing but supportive and happy for me. I can't believe I didn't tell one of my closest friends for three days because I was so afraid that he would judge me. I need to have more faith in the people in my life and remember that they're in my life because they support me. As I said in my last post, this month has been all about what I see vs. what others see. This may not be the last time I learn this lesson (it's certainly not the first) and I'm ok with that.

Cheers to Friday and cheers to trusting your gut and having faith in your network!

Have you ever left a job?